she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
false alarm, still single
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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