everyone is single if you try hard enough
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
