Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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