Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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