I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
