Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I skipped work to stalk him.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
