Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
