Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
The beers last night were like the tears from god
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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