I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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