His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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