i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
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