cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
