dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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