I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
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He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
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This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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