I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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