It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
