8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize