Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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