Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
