That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Randomize
