I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
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He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
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Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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