My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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