Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Randomize
