The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
