I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
