I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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