he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
