Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Randomize
