i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
