pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
