My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
