I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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