I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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