Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
