I must be too annoying 4 u.
Quick, to the slutcave!
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
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