in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
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I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
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Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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