oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
