im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
no you cant smoke seaweed
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
