Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
