did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I checked into jail on foursquare
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
