Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Just cropdusted the office
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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