SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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