Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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