'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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