when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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