Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Randomize
