Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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