I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Randomize
