Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
