bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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