found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
