Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
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