Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
