I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
