Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
