Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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