My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
