Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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